Thursday, February 23, 2012
My Apocolypse: "My Husband is Just not that into me"
My husband Uday is an anti-malware engineer, he keeps people and businesses safe from viruses and such, that can break and/or mess with their computer, but when he became like a stealthy virus himself, he broke my heart and my trust. Now I must always have "anti-maware protection" for my heart, changing my world as I know it forever.
After IVF failing in India and then succeeding in America a few months later, and about $22,000 spent to try and have a family, I was shocked to discover that my husband had been cheating on me for about a year and a half. I trusted him more than anyone and loved him with all my heart unconditionally, despite his faults. To those of you who know me or have read my blogs, it may have appeared that we had an almost perfect relationship. We were so fortunate to have been world travelers together and then getting settled into a beautiful home and finally in time having a baby on the way. As a matter of fact, I even envied us, and secretly felt like a relationship snob. I was so proud of our relationship and how I succeeded with finding "a good guy" and not following in my mom's footsteps. I felt badly for other couples who did not have the kind of adventure and friendship that we had, I considered them one of "those boring relationships". Well nothing has humbled me more than his infidelity.
Uday, always told me, "I know if I ever cheated on you it would be over". I was one of those females... strong, independent and demanded respect. Well, I have now learned "to never say never". Being in those shoes of the wives that have been cheated on by their husbands and stayed with them anyway, I would poo, poo at them and stick up my nose. Now I appear to be one of those women, who stay with their cheating husband. Perhaps I even appear co-dependent and I am still not sure if this is true or not.
So the age old question, "Why do men cheat?" or why did Uday cheat on me? Some people may think that it was due to the stress and pressure about trying to get pregnant by looking at the timing of his cheating but this wasn't it.
It wasn't about not getting pregnant in India via IVF, or getting pregnant by IVF in America that caused the demise of our relationship, but rather my husband's choice to cheat and that alone.
Many people and research also show that a lot of men cheat if they don't feel accepted by their wives or their wives are not giving them sex at home, but this was also not the case in our situation. In fact Uday has always told me that I was the only one that accepted him.
Just like the book and the movie say, "He just not that into you". That was the case with me and my husband. I believe he was once "into me" and that was when we got married but after the chase, his mind moved onto new challenges. Well, how could he really be into me, when he grew to be so into himself?How could he really be into anyone else really? Perhaps this is why he turned to prostitutes and paid for the sex instead of anything that involved intimacy or any kind of effort.
What caused Uday to cheat was his desire to cheat or be with other ladies/variety, his willingness to follow through, and having money to be able to pay for it. He had no conscience while doing it. In having many conversations with him since discovering his infidelity, he seemed to have justified in his mind that he deserved this since I had been with other guys in my past and he had no experience other than me. He felt that he worked hard to earn his money and his accomplishments and this was "harmless" as he thought I would never find out. He minimized his behavior by thinking that paying for sex was like going out for dinner and the variety played a part in this as well as sometimes, one wants Chinese, and sometimes one wants American etc. He began bragging to others that what he lived for in life was sex and India food. Who knew at the time that he was talking about sex with other girls and not just his wife?
When I first met Uday he had nothing but a car he bought for a couple thousand dollars to get him from Louisiana to Florida to start his first job and a mattress that he found in the dumpster.
After being married for a while and working, Uday earned raises and then moved on to new jobs that paid him more and he saved up enough money to buy our beautiful new home. As I was getting prepared to really build our lives together and we were both working hard on fixing our nest, he was secretly ruining our relationship thinking that he could "have his cake and eat it too". He felt that life is short and that he could only make himself happy and this was part of making his dreams come true. I remember Uday telling me that when he was a kid he always thought he would be with many women from different countries. Well, he finally got what he wanted, but for the record, even when he was cheating he did not seem happy as he actually became meaner to me, my mom, and others.
Before I found out that Uday was cheating, I knew that on the outside we still looked like a pretty happy couple but behind close doors things weren't going well. I was complaining to him about not feeling loved by him anymore. I asked him to be more romantic and intimate. I was the "desperate housewife" (even though I worked) doing everything to please him in the bedroom and getting nothing in return...no good sex, as it was always just about him, no romance and left feeling unloved. In time he slowly began to tell me about how much he likes to look at other girl's asses, and some of his thoughts about possibly being a swinger or being able to have sex with other woman without "cheating". He was looking into articles about why men cheat and feeling bad for himself that he was only with one woman, me. But naively, I still never thought he would act on cheating. If anything, I was so unsatisfied in our relationship and feeling heart broken by him and beginning to discuss divorce and the fear that I was going to be a single mom, that I was the one if any that should have been at risk of cheating in this scenario. The more he would secretly watch porn or his B rated skin flick movies instead of being with me, and talk about other woman he saw and wanted to touch, the more my self esteem decreased and the more heart-broken I became. I still tried everything to get him to open up about sex and to not be secretive. I even suggested doing things that were above my comfort level to help him have his "dreams and fantasies" come true without "cheating" but he never tried to let me into his secret world.
One of his friends asked him if he was "just looking for hot pussy" (a comment I resent and take as an insult to myself), but this was not really the case. According to Uday he was extremely safe as he only got hand jobs and tried the BJ with a condom a couple times but did not like it and had the girl finish with a hand job. He is the only one who really knows what he did and he has already proven himself as a liar but we both got tested and everything was negative. But the other thing was that Uday was mainly into variety and it did not have to be the "hot type". His thing was always to be with a different girl. He was trying all ethnicity's and all legal ages. I was able to track his phone log the last couple of months before he was caught and I "Googled" some of the phone number and saw the pictures of some of these girls, and trust me he did not discriminate in any shape or form. Whether they were really fat or old it did not matter to him as long as it was someone different and not too expensive. He went to Massage parlors and Escort services. He says that he did not have any one come to our house but I am not sure I believe this as he was doing this during some of the time that we were sharing a car and I was driving it to work and he just borrowed it sometimes.
Uday has since been to therapy and has agreed that he was very selfish during this time and the power of having money went to his head (no pun intended) and he wanted to find the satisfaction that he could get whatever or who ever he wanted with money. He would have preferred to get a girl for free but thought that it would be too risky for me to catch him that way. He felt that the illusion of these girls "accepting" him would satisfy him but all it did was make him want more and cause problems at home. He denies that he was or is a sex addict but rather someone who in reality really had low self-esteem and this was his way that he thought would make him feel better, but it was always short-lived. However, as short-lived as it was, the excitement at the time was enough to keep him continuing on the path for a failed real relationship with me. For him my true acceptance was never enough, he felt that he needed it by many women, even if he was paying for it.
Uday felt that his secret cheating was separate and distinct and would not effect or relationship, meanwhile I was falling out of love with the man I married who became a selfish slimy guy before my eyes, definitely not like the guy I thought I had married. I was telling him this as well, but nothing stopped him, and the truth is he seemed to be getting worse as the month before I caught him he had spent more money and made more phone calls to the Escort services than the previous months. He was showing he was not into me and I was no longer into him, yet I was desperate to try and save my marriage with the hope that things could be back the way they were when we got married or better. But when I found out the truth, I knew it was over for real.
Some say women are more intuitive when they are pregnant, I am not sure if that was the truth in my case, or if Uday was getting too careless with his lies. I actually caught him lying over potato chips and then checked his wallet and noticed that the $60.00 that was there the night before was gone and when I checked his bank accounts it had not been deposited like he said it was. It was this discovery on my part of Uday's proof that he was lying that got him to confess. At first he made it sound like it was a one time thing, then in time he admitted to 3 months and then finally I was checking his phone logs and bank accounts and the more devastating truth was coming out. He admitted that it had been going on for a year in a half, around the time that he bought the house and we had been doing fertility treatments. He was doing this during our fertility treatments and even after he found out I was pregnant, again nothing made a difference to him as he separated his two lives.
So what is a married woman to do when she is 5 months pregnant with 3 dogs who now rely on the doggy door that goes to the fenced in back yard, in the fairly new house that she could never have afforded without him? The nursery for the baby girl on the way was all set up with new furniture and the possible plan for me to be a stay at home mom for a while was discussed as Uday no longer worked from home as he did before? Do I follow my pride and emotions and just leave him and go get an apartment or move in with my mom with my new baby on the way and my 3 dogs? Or stay put and suck it up for the financial gain and better quality of life for my baby, dogs and in some ways myself? What's love got to do with it anyway? In all definitions of love he showed that he did not love me. In considering all the facts, me, the once hopeless romantic and strong independent woman, decided to be practical and do something that I was always so against, and stay with him, at least for the time being, in a marriage of convenience instead of love. Now I understand why other women have done the same. I had a life plan and dreams that I too worked hard for and did not think it was fair or wise to walk away from when I did not make any mistakes or bad choices. I am already suffering emotionally, why make myself, baby and dogs suffer more?
He has done a lot to show his repentance by going to therapy, signing "his life away" on a post-nuptial agreement, and bought me a car and pays all the bills. He is trying to be nicer and more thoughtful than he has been in 4 years, so I know it could be worst. I told all of his friends and family and he admitted to his bad choices and seems to be trying to change. So my world as I knew it has forever changed. My Apocalypse came in 2011, and as much as he is showing now that he wants to love me and thinks that he can make me happy in the future, I can't get over how he just wasn't that into me for most of our short marriage. I am now living a similar story of my mom, whom stayed in a loveless marriage for 15 year and I swore I would never do that. Unlike my mom, Uday treats me better than her husband treated her and I am not in denial like she was, but like her it is my choice for now. Uday and I began as roommates and now back to being roommates, but in addition co-parents as well. Overall, we get along with each other and with the daily living, but everyday is emotional and leaves me with no peace. When life hands you lemons, you try and make lemonade and this is the best I can do for now. I can't help but always think about how it could have been for us if he stayed faithful and loving, and this is what hurts the most. To know that the potential to be so much greater and so much happier than we were, or ever could be now, is irreplaceable.
I write this post knowing that someday my daughter Jasmine (who is less than a month old right now) may read it and hope that she understands the trials and tribulations of being human and people trying to do the best they can with what life gives them and with their own choices. I hope she understands the importance of making good choices and about not hurting herself or others. I also write this blog in the hopes that it will help the readers know that she is not alone if she has experienced this type of betrayal, and that no one can possibly tell her what the right or wrong thing to do as it is so different when one is experiencing this devastation versus seeing someone else go through it. For those that are in a committed faithful relationship, I hope this reminds you never to take what you have for granted and that communication is so important even if it hurts. Problems can be solved before it is too late! Although my world is forever changed, I am thankful that I have my daughter, "who brings new life into my broken heart" (quote from a Madonna song called "Little Star").
When I first started blogging I began with a quote about "Variety being the spice of life", who knew how foretelling this quote would be as I am approaching the end this blog. Clearly, this was not the type of variety I was meaning.